Posted by: Dennie | August 17, 2012

First Post

I am the mistress of procrastination. Few things in my life motivate me to get moving. Many things prevent me from moving.

One of those preventers – the biggest –  is fear.  And this blog represents the epitome of that.

I’ve been telling myself for the last week or so that I would get off my lazy ass and begin writing again-on a daily basis, if possible. I accidentally stumbled across Word Press a little while back, and thought it offered  more motivational techniques than the previously used  Blogger. But my enthusiasm quickly dwindled. As I perused the WP site, it confounded and confused me. I felt like it offered too many options and I have difficulty making choices and decisions. Why? Because I’m afraid I won’t make the right one. Why? Because if I make the wrong decision, it will mean I’ve failed. And I’ve failed at blogging before. Failed at writing. Started and just stopped. Which, in my mind is incomplete and unfinished and wrong and  I don’t like to be wrong. Why? For lots of reasons, I suppose, and I could get into a dissertation of psycho-babble  about my childhood and parents and teachers , but that would entail pages and pages of  a post, best to be left for another time.  I think the bottom line, as I examine my motives for not writing, is that I want my work to be liked and am afraid of judgement. While I crave accolades, I don’t want to be presumptuous.  I want to be recognized as having talent, which, contrary to what some have said,  I don’t really believe.  Affirmation of my work equals affirmation of myself as a person, and in my warped and twisted little brain there whispers doubt that I am good enough, doubt that I am okay as I am today. Not quite fifteen years ago, when I made a decision to get sober, I began a journey of self-examination in an attempt to learn self-love and acceptance, and I still battle with  misgivings about my inherent  qualities and characteristics and worth.

Adding to my dis-ease was one of the  guidelines presented by WP  to write  a blog that remained  focused on one idea. My original intent, as my sub-title  suggests, was to simply ramble on about observations of daily life. No specific topic, just rambling. When I read the suggestion to  “find your focus,” suddenly  the whisper of doubt became a chilling mantra. “No focus, no good. Nobody cares what you think .” It totally stopped my motivation dead in its tracks.

For some reason, though, this morning, I made the decision to  ignore the voice. Something a little louder persuaded me to go ahead, asking,  “Who cares if there’s no focus?  Who cares about all the available options,the categories, the tags…?  You’ll figure it out. Start today. Go ahead.”

Logic tells me that my fears are unfounded. I tell myself the acronym F.E.A.R–False Evidence Appears Real– is more often than not, true. And so  today, I have  shelved the fear,  and replaced it with just a bit of faith.

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