Posted by: Dennie | July 17, 2013

Fat Head

I had only had a few hours of sleep last night, when my bladder woke me at 1:30 AM. I’m told that comes with getting older– and I have less than a week to fifty seven. But inhaling  a half pound of sweet, juicy watermelon before going to bed doesn’t help. When I crawled back between the sheets, I immediately knew that I had woken others. Not my husband, but The Committee in my head. They were wide awake. Two pots of coffee caffeine buzz awake. And having a grand old time discussing among themselves the issues that are going on in my life at the moment. Nothing critical or grave, but matters that will most likely involve change. Now, I’ve been working for a long time–starting when I got sober nearly sixteen years ago–to accept change. To accept the things I cannot change. And although I’ve gotten better at handling it, I still don’t like it and don’t always handle it well.

The irony I’ve discovered  about change is that however traumatic, painful or threatening change may seem to be, it always works out for the best. My life has changed drastically in the last decade and a half, and while many of those changes were difficult, I have grown because of them, and learned a lot about myself in the process. So it stands to reason that I would be more accepting, welcoming, of change. But no. I’m not there yet.

Which is why The Committee was going full bore at 1:45 this morning. I tossed and turned, attempting to shut them up, but they wouldn’t stop. As I sat up and flipped my pillow yet another time, I told myself, “Just lay your fat head down and go to sleep.” Fat head? Fat head? Where did that come from?  The origin of that thought was a mystery, but it gave The Committee a change of course. They gleefully chanted an a capella, then decided it would be great fun to make an acronym for the Fat Head. F–fear. A–and. T–terror. Yes!  They were on a roll. But my blog post from a few hours before gave me strength to raise my voice above theirs. “NOT FEAR. FAITH,”  I shot back at them. Suddenly they became subdued. Yes, FAITH. Faith is always better than fear. Fear and faith cannot exist together. The committee was murmuring now. I pushed again. “Faith…Always…” what?  Faith always what? Helps me, makes things easier, wins. But it’s not Faw Head it’s FAT Head. Faith wins, faith wins…..TRIUMPHS!!!! FAITH ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! The committee fell silent. My concentration was fully focused on Fat Head and creating a suitable acronym. H…h….h…happiness? Habit? Help? Hesitation. Yes, that works, because when I’m in fear, I hesitate, but faith helps me push through. And suddenly, the committee was gone and my mind went blank. It was 2 am and I needed to get up in three hours. Not wanting to lose my idea, I turned on the light, wrote it down, and with a clear head, was finally able to go back to sleep.

Today, with some help from Miriam Webster, my acronym for Fat Head became Faith Always Triumphs, Hesitation Equals Anxious Digression. My experience has proven that when I let go and have Faith in my Higher Power, my life moves in directions that I could never have imagined. But when I have Fear, and I hesitate, I begin to second guess not only myself and my own capabilities, but the Plan laid out for me. I become nervous, I project, and I move backward, emotionally and spiritually.

Letting go is a process that takes practice and patience. Especially in the middle of the night.

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