Posted by: Dennie | September 10, 2013

Bad Behavior

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” Friedrich Nietzsche

I was stunned to arrive at a frightening conclusion during the last day and a half.

It disturbed me to realize that I’ve recently been behaving like my mother and father. The exact same conduct that drove a deep and steely wedge between my parents and me has bubbled to the surface of my own personality.

I’ve been judgmental.  Assuming. Presumptuous. Superior. I’ve made deductions based on incomplete information and perception through which I created my own opinion.

In the process of fighting the monster, I have become the monster.

I’m ashamed to admit this.

Thank God I realized it before it was too late.

I have no authority or right to interfere in anyone’s business.

With the possible exception of my husband,  I don’t know anyone well enough to determine  their path. I cannot decide what is right, wrong, good or bad, for them. Hell, I don’t know what’s right for me half the time.

And who am I to make a judgment  based solely on another’s attitude or action? For example, at work I have to phone a woman  with whom our office does business.  She’s rude, terse, and demanding. I don’t like her.  But I don’t know her. I know nothing about her. Maybe she has a miserable home life. Maybe she has a fatal disease.  Maybe she hates her job and takes it out on everyone else. I haven’t a clue.

I have tried being as nice as possible to her, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. So lately I haven’t been so nice back.

But that’s not right. It’s not me. I know it in my heart.

Yet  I’ve been running into more and more of those irritating people lately. Is there something in the air?

Or is it me?

We have a saying in The Rooms that goes something like, “If you’re suddenly running into a lot of A-holes, chances are the A-hole is you.”

Lately I’ve been a negative A-hole It’s not good.

As you think, so shall you be.” Negativity  is just plain miser-ability.

I have the ability to  act just like the wretched phone lady If I’ve had a disagreement with my husband,  I’m stressed about something, or a situation isn’t going my way. My attitude goes right down the toilet. I’m less than nice to people. They bug me and I feel like I’m doing them a favor just by living  on the same planet with them.

That’s not who I inherently am. And I don’t like part of me.

I have the solution. It’s within me.

I need to shift the focus off everyone else and their business and start minding my own.  I’ve been in recovery long enough now to know that that’s all I can do. It’s all I can control. Myself, my thoughts, my actions.

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

If I don’t like it when the wretched phone lady is a shit to me, why would I think others would cut me slack just because I’m having a bad day?

And if my parents’ presumptions about my life are incorrect miscalculations, why on earth would I emulate their behavior?

It’s because I am their daughter and they installed the buttons that drive my insanity.

And I have behaved in that manner much longer than I’ve been attempting to behave in a more gentle, accepting, loving manner. And unless I pay attention, and continue to work hard, I slip quite easily back into my old mannerisms.

Today I have a choice. Every day I have a choice to be a better person.

I need to remember that. I need to make the right choice.

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Responses

  1. Focused awareness will allow you to sustain your hard work. If you want it badly, you’ll create ways to stay the course. 🙂


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